Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
