I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
