I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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