Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
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You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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