oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
