dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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