did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
