Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i now understand why vodka
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
