i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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