we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
