I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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