I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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