Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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