your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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