I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
