She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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