I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
