Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
