hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
