i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
