new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
