its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
