I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
