I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
