after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
