I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
