I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize