Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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