sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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