why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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