Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
