btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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