I hope mine doesn't look like that
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
