You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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