well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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