I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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