i jhust puked up my retainher.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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