i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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