You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
