people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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