I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
