my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
