i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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