I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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