I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
