i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
