Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Congratulations! We have a period
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