When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
