I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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