Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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