i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
