matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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