Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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