If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
