I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
