My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
