This girl is more easily done than said...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
