Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
