i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
